The Critical Eye (Season 1) Episode 5 The Arithmetic Of E-Pyaar

The Critical Eye (Season 1)

The Critical Eye(Season 1)

Episode 5

The Arithmetic Of E-Pyaar

E-Pyaar

As children and very much at school most of us had true hatred for arithmetic popularly known as THE DANGEROUSLY DIFFICULT subject or in other words “mathematics”. But as we grew and our sapling minds developed into strong trees, we decided to change the ever difficult subject into THE MOST ENTERTAINING EQUATION. 

E=MC2

Sometimes simple language like this can also feel like jargons. But the most amazing part is; gals’ n guyzzzz you just got an interpreter at your service, YES, a translator and that is me. :D

Somebody in the black and white era decided to avenge arithmetic and took a rebirth in the INTERNET era where everything is soooooooooo COLORFUL and flexible. Now this person, let’s call this creature “WRONGILAL(and if it happens to be a girl, then WRONGI-LALI, in villages people call their beloved daughters as “lali”)”. Anybody or everybody who is reading it at this moment must be wondering what kind of a name is it. Well sweets you will know that in just a little while.

      There is this proverb in Hindi that goes like this, “jeeb mai haddi nahi hote isiliye kaise bhi mud jati hai aur kuch bhi keh dete hai” which means, our tongue is boneless which makes it very flexible and also because of its supple nature, sometimes it speaks just about anything, ANYTHING!!  Internet as I see, looks like a spineless structure to me. Spineless instead of boneless because of the fact it writes about just anything, absolutely anything without meaning even an iota out of it. Now, computers and technology is just GARB without the understanding that we, as human beings proffer it with. The virtual world has not only given access to the infinite world out there but also the entry to the boundless emotional and mental periphery of “US”.

E-E-Frauds

This space in yesteryears was a no entry zone, no trespassers’ allowed and totally private. Just like the frauds and scams that we hear about on the internet that cause a lot of monetary damage, there are emotional frauds too that are cancerously growing here. But unfortunately there is no cyber crime law or punishment for these emotional but highly traumatic and excessively damaging E-E-FRAUDS. E-E-Frauds here totally refer to electronically transmitted emotional frauds.

   The essence of E-PYARR or electronic love originates from owning an internet connection, the faster; the better, the cheaper; the merrier, and if its PADOSIzz Phokat ka internet wi-fi then it is ai—LA MAST, :D

E-Laila-MAjnuzz

For ease let’s divide these E-Laila Majunz in 3 categories. One, who are single and who are ready to do ALL BAWAL while they mingle. Second, the married species, who will do all the BAWAL at others’ cost in order to just mingle. And the third ones are the total imposters who want the BAWAL but the mingling idea itself gets them into SUPER-BAWAL.

Note:- BAWAL although means MESS, but here it also denotes the MAZA or fun.

I will fish the first type for my fanatical readers. The single ones are the most daring ones although exceptions of sick perverts, cowards, assholes, retards and heinous monsters exist in every category. Although the risk of getting caught and being grounded at home is high but they still love to play. Commitments are high and the feelings are raw, yet there is nothing called love which they claim about. Puppy Fun is what they assert to have. They write about anything when they chat and don’t mean a word out of it. Just like in exams, when students who don’t read anything write so much and mean nothing because they KNOW NOTHING.

Puppy Fun

Internet and especially chat messengers’ have given power in the hands of those who love to abuse it. When both parties to this FANCY NONSENSE intend the same i.e. do not intend anything then it all seems fun and frolic. No one gets hurt and no one holds grudges, because my darlings, no one cares to remember. J PEACE  OUT!!

U and Me

But once when this Jumping Jackson age ends and the serious business begins, it draws with it greater Pleasure, intense WILDNESS, colossal RISK and an AVALANCHE OF EMOTIONAL HURT. Yes, here begins the second stage or second category of E-PYAARaaz n E-PYAARaeez. I don’t want to sound gender biased, however the proportion of men with their hands and heads dirty in extra-marital affairs(I mean, E-Marital Affairs here) is far more than women. Although it is such a lovely improvement that women are trailing along well too. Hmm-Hmm….!!

Xtra-Love

Earlier XTRA-love for the XTRA man or woman in your life could be felt in flesh and was mostly limited to one. Well, mostly although I don’t want to reveal the actual number though. :P

But just like E-Shopping where you can keep appending ITEMS ;) to your cart, whether or not you want to buy them or have the AUKAAT to buy them..:D you can still sway in the satisfaction of atleast having THEM IN YOUR CART. Such is the story of E-PYAAR after the WIFE/HUBBY PYAAR.

The latest thing trending on the internet is ofcourse hashtag idiocy, where people put up their retarded picture that looks like this…

#Goa#fun#babes#;)#drunk

#mummy#chori#caught#danda#Pitae A LOT

(NOTE:- You can sing this lyrics by saying hashtag before each word, and believe me you will love it.)

Shopping Bunnies-Ah-ah!!

But after that hashtag madness it’s the “I HAVE A HOUSE OF BUNNIES”, Do you? For those who can’t get the bunnies thing, let me remind you of HUGH HEFNER, the Playboy fame, although now can barely hold his bones in place. J The WRONGILAAL and the WRONGILAALIzz find these chat messengers’ which play a crucial or if I say a very critical role in the building/breaking of their sand castle affairs which play HOLLOW MAN alias MR.INDIA alias INVISIBLE to the real world. Mostly men (however I mentioned earlier that women are quite competitive too, in this field also..ah-ha!!) sniff for alike. Now alike means, new flesh, new adventure, new kick and definitely not married like them. The younger the better(OH YEAH!!), the kinkier the more pleasing(OH-OH -YEAH!!!). This virtual world which most of them want to drag out into the real world is made up of FUN AT OTHERS COST, DECEIT, and PEVERTISM. But elements of COMMITMENT, PROMISE, LOVE don’t exist, not even for dinosaurs sake.

I need Ma ONLINE gf...

Their libido drive decides their hi’s and hello’s to their virtual mates. The greater the drive, the more SO CALLED LOVE they will be in, the lesser the drive, MORE BUSY they will be FOR their mates. The one they hunt on nets, are not even treated as people, they are like commodities in USE/VACANT. Should be available for these WRONGILALz at their command. And yes, these sick DI**s want girls from respectable strata of the society and are ready to spend MONEY on them and equally READY to fuck their emotions but consider it against their male ego to bed a whore. I really don’t understand this equation at all,(seems like E= MC2 hehehehhe!!) when WRONGILAL is ready to expend money then why not the one who’s occupation is that, why the one who gets hurt in the end? These BAS****s take away a rightful employment opportunity from the WH***s also. Now you know why I call them Bloody Baskets.. ;)

WRONGILAL is derived from wrong, and no way makes him RIGHT! Yet, those men who sneak out of their marriage for cheap thrills and adventure and seek total strangers, are better than those Assholes who rope in their friends or acquaintances into this deep shit. Yes honey’s, you heard me right. Men of this category are the most hazardous, most detrimental to emotion, heart and feelings. Obviously of others. They lunge at the opposite sex of the KNOWN KIND. Strangers don’t turn them on. But acquaintances, friends DO and are their desirable slot. They give their DOSTI ka WASTA or YOU KNOW ME NAH! Ka WASTA or they try to lure in by suddenly declaring their LOVE for you out of the blue. It all seems like you getting a HEAT STROKE IN ANTARTICA, yes as if summers just decided to BLOOM WILD with the polar bear.

Shocking Revelation

The “SHE” gets a shock, not a surprise, um-HMM…nope! Not a surprise at all. These heinous monsters are all geared up to knock your soft and tender feelings to the centre of the earth without having the tiniest GUILT. These SICK PEVERTS’ ………..so called LOVE works a LOT. Did you all get my point? NO? ok, let me try it a different way. We all work through weekdays and holiday on weekends, Right? Similarly these WRONGILaals’ “Pyaar” works only on weekdays, and takes holiday on weekends to relax. 

E-LOve on Weekdays Only...!!!

In even more uncomplicated words, these men will be drowned in your love ONLY & ONLY ON WEEKDAYS, when they are away from their spouses, that’s the only time they will shower love on you. On weekends they become FAMILY MEN ( a.k.a. Family SHITPOTS, if you ask me)who have family or say WIFE to attend to. Your value is ZERO on Saturday and Sunday and their love interests are shown NO INTERST on holidays at all. In fact I feel do they even remember “THE HER” when they are offline? NOPE Babes, nah not at all because that is against COMPANY RULES, as governed by TwistedPeverts Company ACT 1956.  J

Their logics for not remembering THE SHE, or apologizing in case they did something wrong, (obviously their DNA IS WRONG) etc etc can outshine even

The smartest GOD

In this COSMOS!! ….good rhyming J

They can forget THE SHE in a split second, act like an AMNESIA patient in front of their wives if THEY HAPPEN TO MEET HER and ACT totally DUMB if THE SHE approaches him. Here is an excerpt from one such “Ah-Haa Conversation”….go ahead….roll your eyeballs and get your ribs tickling…(All of you.. J)

WRONGILAAL: OH! Wow baby look on the right it’s so beautiful(because on the left is THE SHE)

WIFE: Where? I can’t see a thing.

WRONGILAAL: There baby, there, try to see what is NOT THERE….hehehehhe… J

THE SHE: HI! Wrongilaal…how you doing?

 WRONGILAAL: DUMB like the DUMBEST, with an idiotic look on his face, but INSIDE is soooooooooo Fearful, (OH! My God, go away , go away she’s my wife, go away you, TO THE SHE)

WIFE: Steaming like a HOT KETTLE…………… :x

THE SHE: (Finally hearing the wrongilaalz inner nonsense) LEAVES………..

WRONGILAAL: Still looking like an asylum patient recently released, with a static idiotic look, WHO was she baby? Do you know her? I mean why was she saying Hi? I thought she was your FRiend……

Well, this is just a citation from what a conversation would be like when Mr. Wrongilaal’s “wrong” jumps out of the internet and decides to say a HI!...in the real real world. The reaction can be from mellow to FIRE depending on the type of female he befriended. The most amazing aspect of Mr. Wrongilaal is, there is one thing that he PROMISES to THE SHE. Guess what it is? Darling, I assure you nothing leaves this mail box or chat box and everything will be in utmost SECRECY…Shhhhhhh!!!! And believe me, this is one PROMISE  they deliver or hold on to if you decide TO SCREW YOURSELF FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES……..Ta-daaaahhhhh..!!!!

DRumRolls for these

ASSHOLES…..          GOOD RHYMING AGAIN… J

Wrongilal Ka Gana

“ Jo NONSENSE  Kiya Woh Nibhaana Padega(2)

 Roke Jamaana Chaahe Roke Khudaayee, Tumako Sirf CHAT BOX ME HEee Aana Padega,

 BIWI se Frustrated Nigaaho Ne “Ping” Dee Hai,

 HIGH on Hormones Kee Aaho Ne Aawaaj Dee Hai,

 Jaane Bewakoof Jaane BeautiFOOOL Chhodo Tarsaana

 Tumako Mere PING PE Aana Padega……

Jo NONSENSE Kiya Woh Nibhaana Padega(2)

This can be a super-duper-HEAR if you sing the new lyrics while you hear the old song…..it’s going be outrageous. Try it..here’s the link to this old old song from Taj mahal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO_DN3Q4mfA

Total Vada 4m THE SHE wid a NO-VADA by THE HE...

The story of this category of Wrongilaalz will continue till infinity till the good populace keeps getting trapped. Apart from the humour, we as rationale people have to ponder if we want to be “CHU****-fieD, or HUMOUR-Dified” in real terms or not.

The last and the most light hearted type is the “KARISHMA KUDRAT KA” category. Why it is called the miracle of nature because this place is ruled by imposters, phoneys’ and creatures mutated with MASQUERADE VIRUS. Yeah my cutiezzz, here’s the ding-a-ling find for you all to laugh riot at.

CHAT BOX                                          aka                                                          DREAM BOX

                                                   VERSION 1  

BOY(So-called)          :	Hi!
GIRL(So-called)          :	ASL?
BOY(So-called)           :	Hi! Babes this is Monty from Shanty LAND.. Im 23 n totally FREE… wanna CHAT my  PrettyCat…….   Huh, huh?.. ;)
GIRL(So-called)          :	23..so young..oh! my LUNG..
BOY(So-called)          :	How old are you?
GIRL(So-called)          :	21
BOY(So-called)          :	Twenty one?....You are my Only One………J

surprise....surprise....!

CHAT BOX                                          aka                                                          DREAM BOX

                                                   VERSION 2(REAL ONE)

BOY(So-called)          :	Hi! (asl MAT POOCHNA PLZ, JHOOT BOLNA PADEGA :/)
GIRL(So-called)          :	ASL? (Asli Age he batana ChirKUT)
BOY(So-called)           :	Hi! Babes this is Monty from Shanty LAND.. Im 23 n totally FREE…(Retirement ke baad insaan free he hota hai JANU.. ;)) wanna CHAT my  PrettyCat…….   Huh, huh?.. ;)    (KAR LO PLZ WARNA ES BUDHAPPE ME KOI AUR MILEGA NAHI PLZZZ..)
GIRL(So-called)          :	23..so young..oh! my LUNG..(accha hua lung ke kharab hone se phele tum mil gae monty…Khoo-Khoo-Khoo @59)
BOY(So-called)          :	How old are you?(BE young nah plz plz…I like yOUNG..;))
GIRL(So-called)          :	21(kya karu baby thoda jhoot bolna padtha hai..samjho ;) jana mat tumhe mere sadde LUNG KE KASAM…muah..!!)
BOY(So-called)          :	Twenty one?....You are my Only One………J(Aur koi hai bhi nahi)

 This kind of situation can be grave and absolutely funny at the same time. What if the oldies above wanted to rendezvous in real and found out on their first date what actually they have roped themselves in for?.. I will die laughing when the bubble of their imagination is pinned by them only. Ehehhehehehe…. J but what if any one of them is not lying and either the man or the owman in the chat is speaking the truth? Then loads of abuses, loads of curses unless in the rarest of the rare possibilities they decided to mingle irrespective of the falsifications they made.

Did they?

Not a fairy Tale any More!

MIND YOU…..FAIRY TALES are fairy tales, meant for bed time relaxation and sleep. When you awaken your eyes to the nasty real world the glitter fades away, the rosy smell sublimes away and FAIRY or FAIRA(male fairy, in direct hindi translation my BOUayzz!!)  flies away to the LAla LAla land from where it arrived only for you. :P

Aftermaths....

The humour in this jungle gym of words is what makes it’s a light hearted READ. But Sweets n Sugar, how do you imagine all this when it really happens on a sombre note and leaves catastrophic aftermaths. Which is why they are called the E-E-Frauds. Either get all Geared Up to Fight this SHIT, or get ready to be bazooka-ed by the WRONGILAALz n WRONGILALLIzzz. Until then stay happy and healthy….and I’l see you all soon in the next episode of THE CRITICAL EYE(Season 1) where there’s yet another dissection LINED UP….. J